


You're Not This Guy

by OnTheGround2012



Series: Stream of consciousness in 5 episodes [1]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Attraction, Boys Kissing, Closeted Character, Confrontations, Denial, Emotions, Episode Related, Feelings, Frustration, Internal Conflict, Kissing, M/M, Questioning, Questions, Realization, Self-Doubt, Sexual Frustration, Sexual Tension, Stream of Consciousness, interior monlogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 10:46:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8486389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnTheGround2012/pseuds/OnTheGround2012
Summary: Lukas's feelings in the scene where Philip goes to his room (1.01)





	

**Author's Note:**

> * This is my second fic for Eyewitness after ["In Another World"](http://archiveofourown.org/chapters/19329193) and my first one written in the second person, so this has been quite the challenge and the experiment for me and it might not work for everybody but I love this scene and I wanted to give it a try. I'd love to know what you think.
> 
> * Thanks so much to [WhenAngelsFall](http://archiveofourown.org/users/WhenAngelsFall/pseuds/WhenAngelsFall) for her beta and her great advice and opinion.

He's gone and he's not coming back. And it's your fault because you're an asshole. Because you said there was nothing to think about, because you won't even consider the possibility of thinking about it. Because you kicked him in the face and treated him like shit. Because you look back and you don't know why he came to your house in the first place.

It was just music and peace until you notice someone next to you and you're startled at first and you open your eyes and it's him, Philip. The one you wish you could stop thinking about. The one who has complicated your life. The one you had decided to stay away from. The one who is different from anybody else you've ever met before.

And the worst thing about Philip is not how gorgeous you find him but how smart he is. And the same combination that attracted you to him is the same thing that is driving you crazy right now, because maybe another guy would think that you're not interested, that what happened had no meaning. But Philip is right there, next to you, despite the way you’ve treated him.

 _Oh, are you gonna hit me again, huh?_ Philip says, before kissing you.

And despite your decision to avoid him, when Philip kisses you, you don't just give in, you hold his head and you kiss him back. It's like everything that you felt comes back to you in a second and you can't get enough. It feels right, actually more than right, and you want it to last, so you maneuver him until he’s lying on your bed with you between his legs.

_What the hell were you thinking talking to me in front of everyone..._

You say when you break the kiss and you actually look at him.

Philip tells you how what he wanted to tell you doesn't matter anymore because the guy who saw you is dead.

_We're safe._

He insists and you believe him because you just want this nightmare to be over and get on with your life as it was before.

And you feel so fucking relieved and so happy that you just want to celebrate and to let go, and you kiss him before taking off your t-shirt, and you hover over him, teasing him, making him wait before your lips touch his, kissing him again.

And the thing is that it's getting intense in record time. He's unbuttoned your jeans and his hand in touching your thigh and for a second you come back to reality and you wonder what is going on because this wasn't supposed to happen. So you move away and he holds your arms and looks at you with uncertainty and worry, and you see that he doesn't get it. He has no idea. He wonders what's wrong and you want to say that everything is wrong because you don't know what are you doing. Because when you are with him you feel like you are somebody else and you do things that you shouldn't be doing.

_I can't believe what's happening._

It's the first thing that comes out of your mouth. Because you don't know how to explain it and it's the truth, in many ways you can't believe it because this isn't you. You're supposed to be attracted to Rose. You're supposed to be straight. You're not this guy.

_You're into me. That's what's happening._

He's just stating the obvious. The truth. And he tells you to deal with it, like if you can do that. Like it is that easy. That simple.

But it's not that simple because no one knows and no one can know.

So when he asks you who cares if people find out, you say that you care. That he doesn't get it. You explain that no one wants you to be that guy. No one wants you to be guy.

 _What if you are?_ He asks you.

Of course, that pisses you off. Because you can't answer that. You don't want to. You can't. And you tell him that he doesn't know you when you both know that he's the only one who does.

And he calls you a spoiled-ass rich kid and that pisses you off more because you don't want to be that guy either and you probably are. So you remind him that his mom is a junkie and, as soon as it comes out of your mouth, you know you've crossed the line.

_Okay, you didn't have to say that._

He's hurt and this whole thing sucks, so you say sorry and you hope that he accepts that. But he looks away and you know you've fucked up. And the thing is that you're really sorry because for some reason you just don't want him to hurt. He doesn't need you for that. So you change your mind and you tell yourself that that's why you want to kiss him again. That's the reason why can't stay away.

_My dad's in Poughkeepsie tonight._

You know it sounds lame, but this is one of those times when you don't know what to say, so you go with the truth because even if you don't want to be that guy, you don't want him to go either. And, most of all, you don't want him to be mad at you.

So you get on the bed and he won't even look at you. You cup his face and you kiss him and he's not into it and you lose it because you want him to want you. You want him to kiss you back. You want him to get into it like he did at the cabin.

And it hurts as much as it turns you on. Because he turns you on like no one has before and there's just you and him and that's all you can think about. You just want him where he was before, closer to you, easier to kiss, to touch and to feel.

So you get between his legs again and you grab his hips and you push him down and you have no idea what he's thinking but he's not looking at you like he did before, and you feel that something is off. But you can fix it because you know he's into you. You know he wants you. Besides, you've stopped thinking and you want to do all kinds of things to him.

You run your hand along his thigh and he looks so hot that you don't know where to start. You push his shirt up and he just looks at you, like he's afraid to move, unsure of what to do. And suddenly, you don't want to lose more time. You unbutton his jeans as you look at him, and as you start to get them off, he says _no_ once and again, pushing you away.

You try to stop him but there's no point in that.

 _I'm not gonna be your little bitch._ He says, and you can't believe what's happening because he's the one who came here in the first place. The one who started this whole thing. The one who did this to you.

_You’ve got Rose for that._

He mentions Rose and that pisses you off even more because you don’t want Rose and he fucking knows that. He knows how to hurt you as much as you know how to hurt him, and this is a game you don’t want to play.

_You can't hit me in the face, not want to be seen with me like I'm some freak, and then you want to fool around._

He reminds you that you did all that shit and you know he's right. You fucking hit him in the face for just talking to you and you were expecting him to forget all that. And you are so frustrated right now that you don't know what to do.

_No, you got to decide._

You just tell him that there's nothing to decide and you see the disappointment in his face and you know you've fucked up again. You know there's no way to fix this because you're not gonna be that guy. And you know he's not coming back.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for checking it. If you wanna say hi on Tumblr, I'm [@otg2012](http://otg2012.tumblr.com/).
> 
> It would be lovely to have some feedback.


End file.
